Consequences of a phrase too often used
By: Arash Lofti
Two years ago, I volunteered at Pride. I had no political stance on it, and didn’t necessarily think my coming out merited so much drunken revelry. I went nonetheless.
There was a lot of talk about “being yourself” – a phrase too often used. I have heard people who justify anything from poor academics to outlandish Pride outfits by saying, “It’s just who I am.” Quite frankly, the public determinism, instead of a focus on being biologically drawn to the same sex, renders coming out that much more difficult. This “born this way” talk is burdening;
if “gayness” is truly a necessity of the self, it leaves one with apparently no choice and a need for a coping mechanism.
One of the contributing factors to the difficulty of is that sexuality into a driving force in one’s life. This is not a normative claim; I still maintain that even if sexual orientation boils down to a choice, this choice is arbitrary. I only claim that we must not confuse the self with the person’s biology and potential – or lack thereof – for action. Biology and thoughts can be inevitable. I could get you to think anything by a mere suggestion. It seems harsh to hold you responsible (not necessarily in a negative sense) for an appetite or thought.
The notion “This is just who I am,” can have quite negative consequences. British teacher Katharine Birbalsingh argues that its impact on education has created a “culture of excuses.” Countless hours are spent trying to accommodate students’ supposed needs, thereby limiting their self-sufficiency and narrowing their curriculum, when they may be better off if they had been left to overcome their difficulties on their own terms.
Similarly, sexuality is only a sensitive issue once make it so. It’s like an organic silence: it’s not “awkward” until someone points it out. Misconstrued analytic self-help mantras, like “I am just being myself” should not be in our vocabulary. We should remind kids that they are responsible for their lives, that they should refrain from excuses, and hold them up to tougher standards. “Be yourself” often justifies following whims when, sometimes, choices are tougher than that. By all means, we should succumb to some whims; ones like sexual orientation can be the source of much love and excitement. But sexual orientation should also be considered arbitrary, and will be once we divert focus from it.
The harm originates from attempts to appease everyone. We try to help kids find their “passion” and “who they really are” and, consequently, take hard work and acquired tastes and interests out of the equation. Failure then becomes apparently a result of incompatibility rather than a sign that a bit more effort needs to be exerted and we hear, once again: “It’s just not my thing.”
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